Love ignites with a spark! At least one person needs to be present for the flames to survive. For the flames to thrive…both need to be present. How do you invest in your marriage?

---

An Escape…

In 1979, Rupert Holmes topped the charts with his hit single Escape (The Piña Colada Song).^[1] Since then it has become a staple of Yacht Rock parties and played at every beach dive along the coast of the US. But it’s not a party song about sipping Piña Coladas in the sand at sunset. The lyrics are much more desperate.

In the song, a man has grown “tired of [his] lady”. He is up late one night reading the paper and comes across a personal ad for someone new. She offers an escape from his current, humdrum life. She offers adventure. She wants to set off on a journey and get “caught in the rain.” She wants to drink piña coladas on the beach and make love in the sandy dunes at midnight.

The man is quite intrigued. He writes back to her and they set a date to “cut through all [the] red tape” of his relationship. They plan to escape together.

When she walks through the doors of their rendezvous, the man realizes his exciting new stranger is none other than his “own lovely lady”.

AWK-ward!

But how many of us have been in some phase of this story in our marriage?

Are you tired?

Are you in a rut?

Have you found yourself with a wandering eye?

That’s the crack in the door. That’s when you start saying things to yourself like, “If he/she would only ________ then I would be happy.” And then you start to believe it.

How did we get here? 

There are many reasons why the space between us grows—why we become distant. We lose track of ourselves. We lose track of our spouse. We lose track of the reality of our relationship and seek an escape.

In the song, when the couple’s secret is exposed at the bar, they “laughed for a moment.” And then he says, “I never knew.” He never knew his lady liked those things and likewise, she did not know it of him. But the discovery opens a new door. Instead of escaping with a new partner, they can escape with one another—the one with whom they have built a life. They can be present in their new found connection, their shared interests, and their relationship.

In this article, I will discuss various afflictions which create distance in relationships and offer four practical ways to combat those adversities and grow in your marriage.

Winter is Coming

When you fall in love, there is the initial attraction–the spark. But anyone who has managed a campfire will tell you, it takes effort to keep the flames alight. You can prepare the wood ahead of time, but once lit, someone needs to be there to feed the fire. When the flames begin to fade, who will add the fuel?

Someone needs to be present.

At least one person needs to be present for the flames to survive, but for the flames to thrive…both need to be present. Marriage is a team effort. Both spouses need to invest. Both need to be active participants in collecting fuel and feeding the flames.

Of course, there are seasons in your life–the winter times. Times when resources are lean or you are just too exhausted to provide the necessary fuel for the fire. Maybe your spouse is having a stressful time at work or dealing with a death on their side of the family or working on healing or forgiveness. During those times, it is crucial to use the wood stores you collected during spring.

When your wood stores are not enough, one or both of you will need to search the forest for more.

Winter is coming! It is not a question of if but when. So, how do you prepare for the rough-patch in your marriage? How do you find more fuel during a harsh winter? How do you prepare your marriage in spring, before the lean times arrive?

1. Adopt a Couple

One way you can prepare your marriage is by adopting a couple who will help you with your goal. It is important to have other couples in your life. You can benefit from couples with many years of marriage experience and also from couples who’s length of marriage mirrors your own. By having a couple in each group you gain mentors and peers who can share good counsel with you. You can discuss issues and solutions, both things that have worked and methods which failed.

When adopting a mentor or peer couple, it is especially important for those couples (1) to be dedicated to each other and (2) to have the best interest for both of you in mind. It will do you no good if they have an exit plan for their own marriage or if there is a bias toward one of you. You want a couple who loves you together, as a package deal; a couple who wants you to be happy together; a couple who has traveled a similar path and faced similar hurdles; and a couple who knows the importance of a vow.

When winter arrives, it often results in one spouse putting forth more effort than the other. But there are times when you are both tired. Having this counsel couple in place is vital when the lean times are affecting both of you. Maybe you are struggling with infertility, an unexpected hospitalization, or the loss of a child. When something like this occurs, it is difficult for either spouse to muster the energy needed to tend to a marriage.

This is when it is great to have a support system. You will have a couple you can call on and share with, a couple that knows you as a couple, and who knows your goals and struggles. They can help remind you of what you have, what your fighting for, and help guide you to the other side of your issue together.

If you do not have this type of married couple in your life, consider attending a local marriage conference or retreat or join a marriage small group. Make it a goal to find a couple willing to invest in your marriage.

2. Connect with Each Other Daily

It’s difficult to stay connected. As mentioned, sometimes life just gets in the way. We get busy.

Something which can help you stay connected is forming a daily ritual with your spouse. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, just something as simple as having a cup of coffee in the morning, sharing a meal together without distractions (tv, kids, etc.), going for a walk after work, or a quiet moment before bed.

One of the dangers of “getting busy” is your marriage takes a backseat. You can get busy with your career, raising kids, or following personal dreams. While these are important, they can consume a lot of time and energy. At times, certain benchmarks or goals in these tasks can take years to accomplish. They can make up a huge part of your identity. But what happens to your sense of identity if you are fired or retire? What happens to your marriage when the kids move out? What happens if your dream is achieved or fails? Has your marriage taken a backseat the whole time or have you put forth effort to fortify it daily?

To put it bluntly, you made a vow to your spouse not the others. Your spouse comes first. When you put your spouse second, the gap begins to grow.

In the example of raising kids: when they mature into adults and move out, some couples experience Empty Nest Syndrome.^[2][3] Due to the major transitional stage of their life, some parents of adult children experience depression or increased marital conflicts. Parents spend so much time investing in their children and shaping their marriage around them. When they are no longer as involved on a daily basis, a void enters their marriage. A large part of their life, an area where they formed their identity together, has changed. I think something like the Empty Nest Syndrome can be seen in the other examples as well.

What happens when you experience this type of change and you are also married? I believe the increase in marital conflicts to be a combination of having to reaffirm your individual identity while also being reacquainted with your spouse in your new environment. The stress of this type of change can be alleviated by connecting with your spouse daily. Strengthening your bond with your spouse now will lay down the foundation needed for when the times get tough.

Henry David Thoreau, the author of Walden, wrote the following regarding an old proverb on firewood:

Every man looks at his wood-pile with a kind of affection. I love to have mine before my window, and the more chips the better to remind me of my pleasing work. […The logs] warmed me twice—once while I was splitting them, and again when they were on the fire, so that no fuel could give out more heat.”

Walden by Henry David Thoreau^[4]

Each memory that you build together is another log on your wood-pile. It’s an inside joke. It’s your weekly date-night. It’s your comfort meal. Soon enough, you form habits. They become a part of who you are as a couple. They are things you do even during the lean times. When you don’t have the energy to cut new logs, this is the wood-pile you can pull from to keep you warm through winter. “…No fuel could give out more heat.”

Make it a goal to find some time in your day where you can connect. Have a real conversation. Share your likes and dislikes about your day. Share your dreams and goals that you have for yourself and also for your marriage. Set actionable steps for your goals. Find something to talk about that focuses on you as a couple. If you don’t know how to start that conversation, I recommend the following books.

Traveling through Time

Being in the present, the here-and-now, means that you are aware and mindful of what is happening at this very moment. You are not distracted by ruminations on the past or afraid of what the future holds, but you are centered squarely in the present.

The past has a great hold on the lives of some people. They cannot change because they remain constant in their old ways. If you remain in your past, you will never make it to the present. And if you never make it to the present, how will you plan for your future? You must master your past, redeem it, and move forward.

A danger also awaits those who only focus on the future. If you are living only for what-is-to-come, then you forget to appreciate what is currently happening. When every action is meant to move you forward, you do not have time to sit in the present and enjoy it for what it is.

In your marriage, you won’t be able to be present in the present if one of you is always traveling through time. Always bringing up the past or worrying about the future–both can make you forget to act in the now. The past and future can become overwhelming entities in your marriage. They can make things so…tense.

Time’s a changin’. How does your marriage move forward from your past? How do you focus on the present state of your marriage?

Be Present

I serve on a marriage ministry at my church. This, by no means, makes me an expert nor does it mean I have a perfect marriage. What it does allow is the opportunity to see into the lives of others. As the saying goes, “The easiest problems to solve are not your own.”

Since starting the ministry, one of the issues we have seen concerns one spouse’s willingness to forgive and the other spouse’s willingness to truly change their ways. These two abilities are directly related when it comes to the health of a marriage. Being aware they are needed requires you to be present and invested in your marriage. Mastering these abilities can help you enjoy the fullness of your relationship.

The conflict could range from a hurtful remark all the way to infidelity. The offense has occurred. What matters now is how you respond to it.

The offender must be willing to truly change his or her actions. The offended must be willing to forgive a repentant offender. Unless these two happen, your marriage will be living in the past. It will be tainted by past offenses and will keep you from living in the present.

3. Honor Your Vow

When you get married, you do not lose your individuality as a person, but you are no longer living for yourself. You are living for each other. You are joined by a vow. Being present in your marriage means you act in a way which honors your vow; it requires you to change your behaviors to adapt to your new environment.

To determine if your behavior honors your marriage, it will help to ask yourself some questions.

• Do my actions put my spouse first?
• Are my motives loving or selfish?
• How would I feel if my spouse acted like me?
• Do I need outside help or counseling?
• What promise did I make when we were joined in marriage?
• Am I acting in accordance with that promise?
• What is one thing I can do this week that will help my spouse?

This is how you become self-aware in your marriage. Once you have your answers, you will have a better idea of what is putting distance between you and your spouse.

Note: These are all “I/My” statements. I would encourage you to work on these for yourself. Do not thrust them upon your spouse. If you have a conflict which requires changing behaviors, turning these “I” statements into “you” statements may come across as accusatory and will not be well received. If you need a mediator, I recommend asking a non-biased couple (as mentioned earlier) or couple’s counseling.

4. Grow a Soft Heart

Often, when we are wounded, we enter a self-preservation mode. We take shelter. We build walls to protect ourselves. These walls form how and why we respond to certain situations.

The wound could have been formed by your spouse. It may have been formed well before your marriage. In either case, your spouse may be trying to connect with you, but your walls are too thick. Being present in your marriage means your heart is softened toward your spouse; it requires you to lower your walls.

Do you have a hard-heart? Reflect on these questions and answer them honestly.

• Have I built walls around my heart due to some unresolved trauma?
• Have I acknowledged my spouse’s effort to connect with me, reconcile with me, or change his/her actions?
• Have I fully communicated why I am upset?
• What part of the past am I still holding on to?
• Is there a reason I am holding on to it?
• Am I willing to move forward if my spouse is willing?
• Do I know what it takes to lower my walls?
• Do I need outside help or counseling?

As with the previous step, there are some things you need to work on for yourself. Just remember, a soft-heart is not something you can obtain overnight. A soft-heart is grown. If you have a difficult time being objective or knowing how to move forward, consider couple’s counseling.

Walking Together

Maybe your conflict is one of repentance and forgiveness. Maybe you struggle with distractions. Are you building emotional walls? Are you investing in your marriage? The issue needs to be identified and addressed.

Who makes the first move?

You both do.

You are in this together. You are walking this out together. Whatever the change…once you are truly present, you can thrive.

You can be present in the love. Present in the dreaming. You can sit in each other’s presence and still be moving forward. You can be present in your purpose as a couple.

So, how do you walk things out together? How do you connect with your spouse each day? Which couple gives your couple solid marriage advice? Is it time to meet with them? How do you prepare for the lean times? How are you present in the joy…the pain…the sickness…and the health? Let me know in the comments.

Invest in your marriage. Be present!

References

1. The Hot 100 Chart: Week of December 29, 1979. Retrieved January 18, 2022, from Billboard: https://www.billboard.com/charts/hot-100/1979-12-29/
2. Empty Nest Syndrome. (2019, 02 26). Retrieved 01 02, 2022, from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/empty-nest-syndrome-syndrome
3. Empty Nest Syndrome. (2020, 04 14). Retrieved 01 02, 2022, from Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/empty-nest-syndrome/art-20047165
4. Thoreau, Henry David. (1845). Walden. Boston: Ticknor and Fields. [Paperback] [Kindle]